Issue 80: Parenting is improv, part II

Our first uncle guest editor Paul Gutkowski on improv for life skills and joyful parenting

Genevieve Gearity, Maddie Meehan, Ashley Matthews, and Paul Gutkowski

Jun 04, 2026

Paul Gutkowski is a renaissance man: social worker turned comedic improviser, teacher to incarcerated folks, radio DJ on WXTI FM, and friend of The Soft Spot along with his exceedingly cool wife. He has benevolently agreed to author a part 2 to last year’s Parenting is improv essay, this time from a cool (he claims weird) uncle’s perspective. Thanks for your gems of wisdom, Paul G!

I am not a parent. Well, I have a dog. She is pretty ill-mannered.

When Genevieve asked me to write this, my first thought (best thought) was YES. Yes, because that is how my brain works. People I like ask me to do things and my rote response is just about always, yes. This is because of improv. Years of studying, performing, and teaching have taught me that Yes is more fun than no. Yes leads to more life being lived. No is important and keeps us alive, but a life of yes (with a wee bit of street smarts helping guide the way) is the life for me. Adventures that start with a no are few and far between and almost always fraught with peril.

Genevieve knows I don’t have kids but asked me anyhow, suggesting I could write from the “cool uncle” perspective – which is generous. I told her I identify more as a weird uncle. In fact, I was teaching a group of New York City high school students a few years back while wearing a Joshua Tree tee shirt. One of the students said “my weird uncle wears a Joshua Tree shirt” and I responded “Oh yeah, I am someone’s weird uncle.”

Fucked up and uncertain. This is what I imagine parenting is like.

I have spent the last dozen or so years teaching improv. I have taught in NYC public schools. I have taught at fancy (expensive) acting schools. I have taught in jails and prisons (the best students). I have taught in Goldman Sachs board rooms (the worst students). Before I started teaching improv I worked as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker running a re-entry program for young men returning to the community from incarceration. I left “traditional” social work in order to teach full time when I realized that the skills you learn in improv might just be the most useful when it comes to navigating a fucked up and uncertain world.

Fucked up and uncertain. This is what I imagine parenting is like. While I’ve never been a parent, I’ve been a child my whole life. And I have worked with children and families since I was 16 (my first experience as a youth counselor was community service for getting arrested for weed possession… see previous sentence). I know how chaotic and frustrating families can be. I also know how beautiful and powerful they can be when love and listening lead the way.

The best improvisers are the best listeners. True, ACTIVE listeners.

I read the piece Genevieve wrote last year for this site about how parenting is improv and I thought it was great (if you haven’t read it go back and check it out). What I think I can add as a follow up to her piece is that the best parents and the best improvisers probably have a great deal in common. The best improvisers are the best listeners. True, ACTIVE listeners. Really listening to someone is a radical act and takes practice and commitment. Is there a better gift you can give to your kid than to really hear them? Probably an iPhone for their 12th bday but you get my point. The parallels continue: the best parents and improvisers tend to be wonderful communicators, incredibly patient, empathic, and wanting to see their scene partners (children) shine.

The all time great improvisers, and parents, create spaces for JOY. This is really the reason I teach improv in New York State prisons. While I believe the men who take my classes will be better prepared to face the numerous and daunting challenges associated with reentering their communities post-release because of the skills they learn in my workshops (collaboration, communication, empathy, etc), the main reason I keep showing up is because I help create spaces of JOY. And it ain’t just joy for joy’s sake. Joy is the key to it all. Laughter. Connection. Discovery…they all come out of Joy. Safety and joy are intrinsically linked. People who feel joy feel safe. They feel safe enough to make a big choice, to put themselves out there. People who feel safe know failure is not death. People who feel safe LEARN.

The all time great improvisers, and parents, create spaces for JOY.

A few years back I was in a training with the lovely folks at Lincoln Center Education on using theater and improv to help English Language Learners develop their language skills and build connections and community in their schools. The facilitators shared incredible research with us about how language learners’ brains function. Basically, we all have a funnel in our brains that processes new information. When we feel safe that funnel is wide open and can process lots of information. We can retain and make important connections about the information coming in. When humans get stressed and angry or sad or irritated the funnel starts to shrink, allowing less data in and making less connections inside the brain. The facilitators specifically called out improv and theater spaces in schools as ideal places for new, immigrant students to develop a community in which they felt joy and safety. This blew my mind.

So, Soft Spot-loving parents, I guess my improv-inspired message to you is: if you want your kiddos to learn, do everything you can to create joyful spaces. Joyful spaces are brave spaces. You want brave kids, right? Oh and remember if they are feeling shitty in any kind of way they are not going to retain whatever lesson you want them to learn. Be patient. Kids in crisis (however silly or frustrating) don’t learn. My dog is barking at the UPS guy so I am going to yell at her to stop (smdh).

Paul Gutkowski is an actor, educator, & licensed clinical social worker with more than a decade of experience facilitating improv & theater workshops in just about every type of setting you could imagine from board rooms to state prisons.

One For Us

In this section, we’ll share what we’re enjoying for ourselves these days.

Nostalgia wear that never left. (*credit: dansko.com)*

[Ashley] - In a nonstop effort to re-inhabit my former (current?) dancer self, I recently bought classic adidas track pants and Dansko clogs. I don’t know if this is still a thing with 20-something-year-old dancers but wearing oversized Adidas track pants tucked into tube socks for your modern-dancer ballet class was all the rage. And I don’t think I had a single dance teacher in college who didn’t wear Dansko professional clogs? Both items are still 10/10.

[Genevieve] - Tivoli radio station WXTI can be picked up hyper-locally on your radio at 97.3FM, or for the rest of us, streamed online. I highly recommend tuning on Mondays from 6-8pm for The House Chianti Radio Hours with Paul G (aka our guest editor Weird Uncle Paul) for “songs of peace and love and existential dread.”

[Maddie] - The Shaker Museum’s pop-up shop in Chatham is for the convergence of people who saw The Testament of Ann Lee in theaters and subscribe to The New Yorker for the covers (complimentary). A delightful stop, brought to town by Maira Kalman.

One For Them

In this section, we’ll share what’s making parenting small children more enjoyable these days.

LOL you guys, I can’t. (*credit: Bobby Doherty for Grub Street*)

[Ashley] - I’m intrigued by WiseBodies’ offerings in Hillsdale and Kingston this summer, and though I don’t have a child that is quite ready for sex education, I’d be remiss not to mention it here. The class for 10-12 year-olds, Botanical Bodies, examines gender and sex education through flowers, while the class for 13-16-year-olds, Know Class, more directly addresses the human body. They also offer sex ed for adults!

[Maddie] - I’m hoping for a train trip down to the city with my 4yo later this summer, and this list of “too fun, too good, too happy” restaurants to visit with kids will be our guide.

Working Together

Donate your little one's outgrown shoes to help another child take their next step through the Soles4Souls and Ten Little Give a Little campaign.

In the Neighborhood

We live in the Mid-Hudson Valley and we’re keeping tabs on these (mostly family-friendly) events near us. If there’s another event you’d like us to share, please send it our way!